I think I only got about 4 or 5 hours of sleep last night. You spent the night with me at my house, and it was amazing. We went to bed around 12:30 or 12:45, but I was wide awake then, too.
I was wide awake thinking about (and replaying) everything you said to me last night. It was exactly what I wanted to hear (give or take a few items). Fuck, you almost had me in tears. I was just so happy to hear the words you were saying, because… you were saying them! You came to these decisions and feelings on your own! It was amazing to hear it in real life, and not just me imagining it in my head.
There is still so much we need to talk about though… more than you think. I’ve thought about this so many times - countless times - that I’ve realized all of these crazy things I need to think about, and talk to you about. It’s nuts, really. But I have many concerns, and not to mention I’m scared as fuck, so… discuss it we shall. Maybe not all in one sitting, you might explode; but in pieces, until the whole fucking puzzle is finished.
I also lost all this sleep because I was nervous as shit for the next morning; I had already blown every chance at telling you I love you that night… but I felt like such a fucking pansy by putting it off, chickening out, getting scared. So I put my metaphorical foot down, and decided I would be terribly disappointed in myself if I didn’t just say it.
The next morning (this morning), I said it as we were saying goodbye. I told you I love you. It’s not a lie, it’s not a fabrication, it’s not being melodramatic, it’s not a colloquialism - it’s real, and I mean it.
That being said, we’re 50% of the way to where you (and I, honestly) want to go. Hell, I think I may even give up what I was originally waiting for, just for you. You’re getting me to the point where I can’t say no; you’re getting me to the point where I’m making major adjustments to my moral code. It’s frightening, unsettling, exciting, and breathtaking all at the same time.
I hope you someday understand exactly how much this means to me, and how much mental / emotional anguish this is causing me.