So I just decided:

since apparently you can make paste / clay, and therefore BEADS, from roses (http://www.squidoo.com/rose-beads)

I’m gonna handmake a rosary from my wedding bouquet.  

Don’t forget now, self.

xM

I want to move out of this city and do something different,
and to be able to sleep well at night

I want our apartment to be warm and inviting and full of love, like we are

I want to be able to see some stars

I want plan our lives together by dim morning sunlight, in front of fresh coffee

I want to go on picnics and Sunday drives after Mass as often as we can

I want our baby to have curly, dark chocolate hair like yours

I want to know if I’m the only one thinking these things.

I want some proof for everybody else that you’re The One

I want assurance, and I want certainty 

I want to dream unabashedly and not hide it all from you

I want to stop wondering.

Maybe I should stop wanting.

I walked slowly, which is rare for me.  Usually when I walk in the city, it’s because I’m walking with purpose to a job or an internship or to school.  Tonight though, I walked slowly.  It was a cool evening, so I wore a hoodie and jeans and sneakers, something I wouldn’t normally do in the summer.  Still, I would’ve been too cold without them. 

Large, billowing clouds were lazily rolling in from both ends of the river - I hope they are thunderstorms.  Maybe they’ll keep all this cool air down, and it will be cool in the morning as well - again, I can only hope.

I keep staring at the river beneath me.  I wish so badly that I had a boat, even just a small kayak or a wooden canoe.  I have always loved the water - any kind of water - and I want to be near it, in it.  I can’t find the path that runs right up alongside the river, and I’m sad that I can’t sit next to it.  Instead, I keep walking towards the dirty street across the way.

On my right, I pass a billboard for some liquor or beer.  It is obnoxious and patronizing.  On my left, I pass a billboard for Tacori.  I was hoping this walk would clear my head, and my heart sinks when I see it.  I force myself to look at the other billboard instead.

I continue walking, and he calls me.  We talk, and he asks what I’m doing.  I tell him where I’m walking, and he tells me that he doesn’t want me walking there.  He calls his friend (and mine), and tells him to pick me up.  I understand his concern, but I still wish I could have walked for a little longer.  Oh well; it was getting dark anyway. 

Looks like this walk / thinking-session is over. 

Still no sign of thunderstorms.

xM

This is how I feel about him + me. 
“Boyfriend” sounds and feels too childish, and not strong enough.
I want to call him “fiancé”, “husband”… I don’t want to introduce you as “boyfriend”.  It doesn’t accurately portray how much I love you.

xM

I think I only got about 4 or 5 hours of sleep last night.  You spent the night with me at my house, and it was amazing.  We went to bed around 12:30 or 12:45, but I was wide awake then, too.

I was wide awake thinking about (and replaying) everything you said to me last night.  It was exactly what I wanted to hear (give or take a few items).  Fuck, you almost had me in tears.  I was just so happy to hear the words you were saying, because… you were saying them!  You came to these decisions and feelings on your own!  It was amazing to hear it in real life, and not just me imagining it in my head.

There is still so much we need to talk about though… more than you think.  I’ve thought about this so many times - countless times - that I’ve realized all of these crazy things I need to think about, and talk to you about.  It’s nuts, really.  But I have many concerns, and not to mention I’m scared as fuck, so… discuss it we shall.  Maybe not all in one sitting, you might explode; but in pieces, until the whole fucking puzzle is finished.

I also lost all this sleep because I was nervous as shit for the next morning; I had already blown every chance at telling you I love you that night… but I felt like such a fucking pansy by putting it off, chickening out, getting scared.  So I put my metaphorical foot down, and decided I would be terribly disappointed in myself if I didn’t just say it. 

The next morning (this morning), I said it as we were saying goodbye.  I told you I love you.  It’s not a lie, it’s not a fabrication, it’s not being melodramatic, it’s not a colloquialism - it’s real, and I mean it.

That being said, we’re 50% of the way to where you (and I, honestly) want to go.  Hell, I think I may even give up what I was originally waiting for, just for you.  You’re getting me to the point where I can’t say no; you’re getting me to the point where I’m making major adjustments to my moral code.  It’s frightening, unsettling, exciting, and breathtaking all at the same time.

I hope you someday understand exactly how much this means to me, and how much mental / emotional anguish this is causing me.

xM

So I’m watching Travel Channel, like usual.  Anthony Bourdain is in France, and it’s making me miss Paris sooooo badly.  It was one of the greatest experiences of my life!!  I wish I could recreate that somehow here… Combined with my hopeless romantic mindset (as of late), I’m thinkin’…

Picnic.  Picnic at Schenley Park.  Or in the woods.  Wine, cheese, prosciutto, olives, grapes. 

NEEDS TO HAPPEN.  Maybe in the fall, when the weather’s more mild.

xM