the day I don’t have to feel guilty or ashamed about what I want 

will be the best day of my life.

I’m tired of keeping this all in my head.

xM

After a very long spell of uninspired songwriting, I’ve finally gotten back into it.  I’m working on a song that is really expressive and meaningful right now, and I can’t wait to share it with everybody.  

I hope to release that song w/ my new website (which would make sense to do), and I hope both of those things will be done soon.  Actually, the website is finished… I just need to get the hosting set up… ugh… 

ANYWAY.

NEW WEBSITE.  NEW MUSIC.  NEW APARTMENT.  NEW SUMMER.  YEAH YEAH YEAH.  THINGS ARE LOOKING UP.

xM

Sometimes, I stop and think and realize that there are a lot of reasons I’ll miss this house.

But on second though, there are that many more reasons that I will not miss this house.

Things are finally falling together.  

As I’ve said before, there are only a few pieces missing. 

xM

Everything is falling into place.  Sure, it’s not a “dream life”, but it’s something stable and comfortable and fresh.  There are only a few pieces missing… I hope I find them (or they find me) soon.

xM

My exact response to everyone who has lately been asking me “when?”.

xM 

His excitement and unfettered willingness is almost unbearable to watch.  

Hesitancy has almost always been a theme for us, so I guess this isn’t surprising.  Still, I have known for 2 years + 1 month, minus a day.  I continue to know every minute that passes.  I will never stop knowing, and I will never stop remembering that I know.  It fills me.  

I want to disconnect these ugly parts of me - I wish that were possible.

All I have to do is wait.  Nothing more, nothing less - just sit and wait.  
I just have to wait.  Occupy myself in other things, waiting.  Wait, wait, wait for however long the time will end up being.  I only have to wait.

Why is that so hard for me?  

xM 

Other people’s circumstances don’t matter. Time doesn’t matter. Mutual acts of any kind do not matter.

It would seem that when the time is right, the time is right. Nothing on earth can change that.
xM

So I just decided:

since apparently you can make paste / clay, and therefore BEADS, from roses (http://www.squidoo.com/rose-beads)

I’m gonna handmake a rosary from my wedding bouquet.  

Don’t forget now, self.

xM

Sometimes, I think I care too much.

In that same breath, 

why is it that THEY can all ask about / talk about / joke about / mention us getting married, 

but we can’t?

What the fuck is up with that, hm?

I never know what to say when that comes up.  Tell me how to respond to that.  Please.

xM

As we are all keenly aware by now, 
I am obsessed with the future of my relationship.
I’ve been obsessed with it after shortly beginning it.

Now that many of the relationships around us are progressing at light speed, I realized something:

I want to have that moment & period of time where everyone around us - 

our friends, our families, our coworkers, everyone -

is excited for us and happy for us.

Now, that isn’t to say that they aren’t happy for us now, in an oblique kind of way.  What I mean is,
I want people to be as excited for our future as I am.  
I want people to know how serious this thing is becoming.
I want people to breathlessly ask us what’s next, and when, and how, and why.

I’m excited for our friends, but when can our friends be excited for us?

xM

Me: “And then Dan showed me the ring he wants to get for her- “

Mom: “Unless it was a ploy.”

Me: “What?”

Mom: “I mean, unless it was ploy… to see what kind of rings YOU like…”

Me: “Mom.  No.  It wasn’t a ploy.  It has nothing to do with me.”

Mom: “Well, you never know.  Maybe it does.”

Me: “…It doesn’t.  There is no ploy.”

Sometimes I wish I could control what parts of my life my mom is interested in.  I think I would keep everything in the “interested” section, except for my potentially eventual engagement.  That, I would throw right into the “disinterested” section.  Or at least the “give discouragement” section.  That way, she wouldn’t encourage me to hope.  Sometimes I wish she weren’t as hopeful as me; because it would make me less hopeful, and that is a good thing.  

Sometimes, I wish I were the only one hoping for this.  It would be easier that way.

xM
 

All right, Tumblrfolk.  Do any of you live in Seattle?  Portland?  Anywhere on the upper west coast?  We’re thinking of moving there after I graduate, and since I’ve never been there (and don’t know anybody who lives there), I have no idea what life is like there.

Insight, please? :D

xM